| Closing Time |
[09 Feb 2005|06:54pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
This is me severing ties.
To Kayla: Yes I didn't call, I didn't visit, and if you paid attention to my personality at all, you'd know that I don't call or seek out ANYONE. I'm not social, I never have been, and even though I'm lonely as hell I can't seem to bring myself to call or write or visit. In fact, up until today, livejournal is the only way I've been keeping my friends updated, and it's because I'm not physically emailing, calling, or writing to them, but writing in a journal that they may or may not check. You didn't call or email me either, by the way.
To Erin: Truth is, I haven't gotten over -it-. Pathetic, huh?
To Kate: You've been the most supportive friend anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for being there, I don't know what I'll do without you. But you have issues of your own, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help you, return the gifts you gave me, so do me one last favor and start taking care of yourself just as much as you took care of me, okay?
To John: When I got home for break, you called and complained about how there is no one but me to talk to, but you aren't emailing to talk anyway (you're a lot like me, huh?). Find some new people, I know they're out there, just waiting for you. And if your parents push you into the military, I'll kill them.
To Roxanne: Stop the nonsense. Everyone cares about you, but you're doing all you can to push them away even as you pull them to you. They all love you, so do yourself a favor and let them.
This isn't a suicide note, by the way. I'm not running away (physically). The long and short of it is: I always feel alone, and I hate feeling things for no reason (which has been happening a lot lately), so I'm giving myself a reason.
The Dragon's Den is closed for repairs. Do mind your head when exiting.
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| Back to Hell I go. |
[17 Jan 2005|07:35pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Dido "Here With Me" |
] |
Well, I spent my first night and day back in the place of my constant loathing, did some loathing and internal griping and such, and alas, I'm still here. Of course, my room mate's boyfriend is once again in our room, chatting in Chinese and fussing with her in that lovey-dovey manner that serves to remind me of what I don't, and will not likely ever have for myself (though how I'd love to have a girlfriend in here every day just to make them squirm). I suppose that's what bothers me so much when he's here, aside from my solitairy nature.
The ride back was terrible, dad did nothing but sing SU's praises, tell me how it's pointless to go to college for metalsmithing, and how -awful- it will be to have to start over at a new school. When we finally got here I was deep in the guilt for even thinking of transfering to a new school. Then we had lunch in the dining hall, and even though he once agreed that the food was crap, this time he did nothing but compliment the food (which is no different than I remember). Now the seeds of doubt have been firmly planted in my mind, and I feel like dirt.
I have class tomorrow, starting at 9:30, which is a quite decent time for class to start, all things considered. And because of our monday off I only have three days of classes this week, good thing too, as I don't think I'd survive any more.
On the plus side, Emilia gave me a great red dragon plush with wild eyes and wicked teeth. I have named him Ripper, and he shall ride on my shoulder or in my bag for the rest of this semester to growl and bare teeth when I cannot. I have my own Mouth of Sauron, hazzah!
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| ...... |
[09 Jan 2005|11:02am] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Manson: The Beautiful People |
] |
*deep breath*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ring Wraith:...Scree. (no, that was not a happy scream)
*twitch* please just kill me now.
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| The saga continues. |
[08 Jan 2005|02:00pm] |
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mood |
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 enraged |
] |
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music |
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! |
] |
Thought Dad would get over his annoying aversion to Art Schools? *BZZZZZ* WRONG BI-ATCH!
Hes started the whole "she could learn all this working for a jewelry studio" bull shit AGAIN.
Funny thing is, he himself is trying to teach my brother the business trade at his work, and he's losing time and more importantly money because of it. No businass man, in their right mind, would risk losing so much to teach "the compitition".
I'm beyond angry right now, I want to screem at him, but once AGAIN he'll pull the "your mother and you just gang up against me, she turned you against me, I'm always the bad guy" crap again.
Fucking pussy.
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| I've reached the end of the rainbow, now gimme my fricken gold. |
[05 Jan 2005|10:01pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
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TROGDOR! |
] |
Things are looking up?
*glances up, just to make sure there are no heavy objects heading her way*
I've sent out my application to Savannah College of Art and Design, though I still have many other official-type documents to send, it's a start.
And a forseeable end to my personal Hell at Syracuse. So SUCK IT ORANGE-MEN, I'M LEAVING!
*grin* Ah yes, things are looking up.
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| Another nail in my coffin |
[23 Dec 2004|05:27pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
I just found out that my oh so great job from last summer (liberal minded jewelry workers who made shiney shiney things while listening to NPR) was not so happy with me. They were so nice the entire time, they even complimented my work...and it was all a lie. They didn't like me at all, and they thought I was stealing a good job away from someone who could have really used it. It was a waste to give the job to some punk kid with no experience. The entire time I thought I was doing a good job, I thought they liked me. And I was wrong.
So now I sit here, waiting for something else to go wrong, go sour, and leave me a hollow, aching mass of tears and regret for wasting my time and theirs.
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[23 Dec 2004|01:25pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
] |
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music |
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"Ironic" Alanis Morsett |
] |
On the up side, "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" (yes, I know the title should be underlined) will be in stores July 15, 2005 (thank you to Barns&Nobel for your author updates mailing list)
*does a little dance, then stops and hide in her room as her "loving" family, ie Father and Sister dearest, make fun of her once again for everything she likes*
Being the butt of many jokes when your trying to help decorate the Christmas tree sure makes a girl feel special. Every Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, D&D, Ren Fair, Anime, EVERYTHING I LIKE nerd comment thrown my way by Dad and Rose is really starting to wear me down. It never stops, they always make fun of me when they're together. I'm getting so SICK of it! Why can't they just leave me the Hell alone? Every year, without fail, I have to deal with it. It's Christmas, for fucks sake, can't they just lay the jokes aside this one time of the year? I hear it enough the rest of the year everytime I happen to mention one of my interests. It's not like I want them to be all enthused about it or anything, or even supportive, they could just keep their comments to themselves and I'd be happy.
At least mom stands by me, but I think it's more because she's used to taking my side when Dad takes Roses in a disagreement. It doesn't help that while I'm here Mom and Dad fight, but when I go to college it was an instant turn around and they started getting alone better than I've ever seen them act. And Mom expects me to believe that I'm not the reason they fight.
I should just leave, they'd be better off, and I wouldn't be made fun of all the time.
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[22 Dec 2004|11:51pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
I forget during the day, distracted by the busy comings and goings that are this holiday season. I don't have time to think. At night, when I'm alone in the quiet with only my own thoughts to acompany me I feel a hopelessness beyond any I've subjected myself to before, and I don't know what to do. This ache inside my chest gets worse and worse, with no physical cause. And I scoff at myself for even trying to put it into words, for how could it sound like anything more than a teenage angst queen whining for pity and attention. I don't want pity, and I abhore attention. I just want this feeling to go away, and am to logical and cowardly to silence it myself.
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| Stupid Girl. |
[15 Dec 2004|12:32pm] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Mad World" |
] |
I'm a prize idiot.
Time Arts, the Hell of my week, bane of my existance, etc. etc. just finished at last. I knew that in order to get a passing grade in that class I needed to come up with a really good project, and my topic was metalsmithing. So I decided to make a video detailing my inner voices of self damnation and demorelization being eventually drowned out by my savior: metalsmithing. Very serious, very depressing, VERY true. I had to show it in class, and I thought "hey, I'm strong enough to do this, it'll be alright, I'm just baring my innermost workings to 20 near-strangers and a teacher who doesn't like me."
I'm a prize idiot.
I showed the bloody video, nearly passing out from the strain of having to face up to my own depression. Everyone liked it, thought it was very deep and personal...but the teacher. She thought I ended it too fast, that I copped out and flaked out and lots of other outs...and I broke down in the middle of the fecking class. Had to leave, cried in the bathroom half an hour, had to go back because the teacher found me, and then, after I finally settle down, she has to bring it up again and says that she's sorry but she's just preparing us for future critisism in future classes, etc ect.
And I break down again, quietly this time(I had pulled my hair in front of my face so I could hide my eyes)
I can handle critiques of my work, metal or otherwise, and I have, but this was my fucking heart I ripped out and placed on a silver fucking platter for these people to see. So yeah, I can't handle that.
I'm a prize idiot, and I'll never make the mistake of opening up to anyone again. Yeah, that sounds a bit dramatic huh? Well, there is nothing else I can do. I can't handle -people- anymore. So everyone please just back off and leave me be, because I can't take another blow like this and pull out intact.
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| Heya |
[12 Dec 2004|07:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Frou Frou "Let Go" |
] |
Done List:
Drawing Finals
Time Arts Final(FINALLY!)
WRT paper
PHI paper
MET Box
To Do
PHI exam
Design History exam and paper.
Am attempting to befriend/woo a v. nice and interesting girl named Sarah. Seems like the quiet type, but she's got this quirky sense of humor and hopefully a lot in common with me. So far, made a bracelet for her, which she said she really liked, and will be going Downtown to do some holiday shopping with her on Thursday if she can. Go me!
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| what the FUCK?!?! |
[09 Dec 2004|09:59pm] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
] |
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music |
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-------- |
] |
I am beyond angry right now.
We had to leav all of our jewelry projects with the professor overnight to grade, and pick them up in the office some time this week.
Someone beat me to mine. One of these 10,000 ass holes I hate stole two of my rings. The best part? The other instructor, the one who didn't teach my class, says it happens all the tume and people like to do earliy Christmas shopping...
And so, once again, it's proven that college doesn't mean the people there are even remotely smart.
One of those rings was silver too. And I don't have a tortch at home so I can't make another.
I hate it here.
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| Taking care of business... |
[07 Dec 2004|11:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Boston Brass Christmas CD |
] |
Done List:
PHI essay (bugger all, that was a pain)
Art113 essay portfolio (big arse assignment done, go me!)
MET box (true to my style it has lots of pointy parts...and it bit me)
Still to do List:
WRT essays (making progress on those as I write)
DRW final drawings. (when I'm damn well ready.)
Time Arts final (working on recording, much editing to be done)
Tests on Finals Week:
Tuesday 7:15-9:00pm PHI--the Material World (and I though Free Will was a bitch...)
Wednesday: 8:30am-god knows Final Time Arts Critique and 7:15-9:15 Design History exam(icky)
Then....I'LL BE DONE!!!!!!!!
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| wow... |
[05 Dec 2004|12:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Lebanese Blonde" |
] |
I am SO procrastinating right now, no use in pretending otherwise.
Saw Bridget Jones II...was kind of okay I guess...meh.
Just realized something rather sad, to the affect of past closeness dissappearing and all...it's rather depressing indeed, but nothing I can fix seeing as I'm not but a negative cry-baby. Whatever.
*snicker*tried on sexy-type corset lauderette for the first time ever. Looked rather like a 12 year old trying to look grown up. Was amused.
I'm feeling apathetic to a point, what with the theories that there is no such thing as free will running about in my brain. Fun stuff.
Going to stop writing now, as I'm just subtley knocking myself down step by step.
Good night, sweet dreams, peace, love, and metal.
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| We can sink no lower. |
[05 Dec 2004|12:24am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Caring is Creepy" |
] |
"The HESS truck's back and it's better than ever. For Christmas this year...the HESS HUMMER is here"
That's right, the HUmmer is everywhere, taking over the roads, adding to our need for a non-renewable pollutant fuel. Nice job being honest boys and girls of HESS.
Bugger all, I'm so moving to London, where the biggest cars are called "mini"
Work updata: Progress and procrastination on my PHI paper, free will is a bitch to think on. Never get into an argument with a guy names Holbach, he'll whoop your ass and then explain why you had no chioce but to argue in the first place. My head kinda hurts right now...
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| And it's time, once again for THE LIST |
[04 Dec 2004|11:17am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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---------------- |
] |
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!
My finals to do list!
1)WRT final essays (3essays-5pgs,3pgs,2pgs)
2)PHI essay 6pgs
3)Art113 writing portfolio (10)
4) Drawing finals, 1 in line, one in value
5)Met:Box
6)Time Arts final project.
I got up this morning, went to the bathroom and realized that I locked myself out of my room. Room mate wasn't in. Itwas 7:40. finally nice dorm hall person called security and they let me back in an hour later, and I fell asleep. Now I feel half dead, My head is in a fog. Ugg.
I have NOTHING done. Will update later.
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[28 Nov 2004|10:46pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
] |
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music |
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Christmas Carol |
] |
Hell Yes.
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| TURKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[22 Nov 2004|03:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Love Actually: "I feel it in my fingers..." |
] |
FOOD! I'M GETTING FOOD!
*does her happy dance*
I love Thanksgiving, and this year I'm bringing tupperwear gallor to the feast, so that I can steal the feast and take it back to college. I barely eat meat here, and if you went to my dining halls you'd know why.
*shudder*
But soon I shall be healthy again, loaded down with TURKEY and my personal favorite, clemintines(i just know I didn't spell that correctly) which is important, as I fear I'm getting scurvey.
*shakes her butt, does a little dance, and runs off the catch the train)
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
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| *wince* |
[14 Nov 2004|02:52pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
] |
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music |
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Voltaire |
] |
OW!
FECKING WISDOM TOOTH COMING IN!
Wonder if it will actually fit in my mouth, last we saw they were growing straight, but the question of space looms over my head like a storm cloud. I can see it now, Winter break will find me passed out because they make me get them removed. Ug.
I saw the MOST disturbing pair of shoes, floowed by the second most, then the third most.
Not a good weekend for shoes. The worst was this pair of shiney silver and pink asrtonaut boots (really, they were like blocks with a tube for the rest of your leg)
The next were a pair of Ugg boots, bain of my existance, which were completely covered in faux fur. I mean COVERED, as in, Chewbacca feet. Emelia pointed out how girls go through all the trouble to shave their legs, then wear those. I almost wet my pants laughing.
THe third worst were a pair of those Buffy the Vampire Shoe Slayer POINTY shoes, but the kicker was the "heel". A heel that consisted of a slightly raised round part and a short spikey support coming from the middle. Thats right, a nipple. Emelia held them up to her chest, and I commented that it must be cold in the store. Another shopper fled the isle like his arse was on fire.
Shoes are scarey. My mouth hurts. Interesting weekend.
So that was Friday, and now on to Saterday.
Had to go to a required drawing marathon for my Drawing class. Drew nude figures for the first time, was busy sketching when my teacher, a grad student named John, looked over my shoulder, reached out, poked the nicely drawn butt on my page, and giggled like a 6'6 school girl.
*twitch*
Then went to the metalsmithing studio, and was given cold glares and silence from the blessed upper classmen who major in jewelry work. Sodding prats, I have more actual working experience, and have worked with a broader range of metals than any of them. Have they worked with nickle, copper, brass, bronze, sliver, gold, platinum, niobium AND polarium? Worked for two professional metalsmithing studios, one which is a million dollar profiting business?
Thought not. Bitches.
I'm going to make a giant animatronic dragon that breathes fire and screeches like a ring wraith to follow me around and protect me from quirky artist-types and holier than thou wannabe metalsmiths. And eats drunken freshmen.
Yeah, what now?
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| taking care of business |
[09 Nov 2004|08:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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----- |
] |
Moved into the GREAT new dorm...and found out that I have to take a required course to remain there.
Parents showed up to help and harped on me about "always look on the bright side of life"
11 states have passed anti gay marriage amendments.
Called home and was told to "look on the bright side of things"
The technology (once again) doesn't work, my evil Time Arts assignment is left incomplete by circumstance.
Told to focus on "the positive aspects"
And here I sat ready to scream...
Until I went into the bathroom and punched the plastic paper towel holder. Watched the cover split in two and fly in opposite directions across the room. My knuckles are bleeding just a little, and they sting.
I feel much better. Looks like I've found my "bright side"
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[01 Nov 2004|06:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
LotR Soundtrack. Moria Music of DOOM |
] |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wraith:"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
Oh shut up.
On the plus side, I'm moving to a different dorm this Saterday.
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